My Mother receives a lot of catalogs. Okay, that is a significant understatement – my Mother receives almost every conceivable catalog in the Universe. On any average day – during a non-holiday season, mind you – she receives an average of five to ten catalogs. This certainly enables her to find unusual gift items. But just reading the catalogs can provide hours of entertainment.
In a recent bunch, I found a real corker. Before I show you, let me tell you that this is a catalog that had no less than SIX items based on the hysterical and timeless wit of “faux flatulence.” Included in the, shall we say, “fart fun” items were a CD, a key chain (a “pull my finger” hand), a doll, a card game (?) and a toilet paper cover. The toilet paper cover – OHHHHHH – what a treasure! This item not only emitted a big ol’ fart noise – spelled “Rrrrrrp,” in case you wondered – it had the added the utterly sophisticated humor of being shaped like buttocks. But, here is the gaseous item for which I developed a particular fondness:
Farting Salt & Pepper Shakers
The description was awfully clever:
Farting salt & pepper shakers will ruin any dinner!
Don’t let the sleek, modern design fool you: these salt & pepper shakers are as crass-and as funny-as can be. Hear an outrageous fart with every shake! Great for party or picnic.
Thank the heavens, I’ve been looking for the perfect item to “ruin any dinner.” And – how thoughtful – it needn’t be my cooking.
But I must show you the pièce de résistance. I have a feeling that Grettir might consider this item a Sign of the Apocalypse, but the person who predicted that the end of the World was today seem to have been mistaken, so it’s difficult to say.
WARNING! (Almost) Complete Non-sequitur and Incredibly Embarrassing Confession: My family is related on my Mother’s side to that half-baked doomsayer (Mr. Jeffs) who has been such a media darling recently. Boy, aren’t WE proud!
But I must show you the item du jour! Let me preface its appearance by saying that I think we should define it as ART, rather than just some run-of-the-mill gag gift or kitchen utensil; it is useful AND aesthetically pleasing. Without further ado:
Gross-out egg separator adds fun to your kitchen!
It ‘snot a mug (sorry we couldn’t resist!) Crack an egg into the ceramic head, then tilt to pour just the whites out through the nose. Disgusting! (Yet efficient!).
I assert that the separator is absolutely perfect in conjunction with the Farting Salt & Pepper Shakers. After all, if you plan to “ruin” any meal, it seems apropos to create the feast with a snot-emulating implement.