Le monde de fromage de Kate

Happy Birthday, Syd.

You are missed so much.

To Whom It May Concern:

Did the package of combs with the Microban® label (“This product protected by Microban® – antimicrobial product protection – Cleaner. Fresher. All the Time.”) appear in the bathroom because of what was stuck to the furnace filter? Perhaps you do not KNOW what was stuck to the furnace filter, so I will tell you.

But first I should tell you that the only reason I know what was stuck to the furnace filter is because while I was just sitting and minding my own business, my Father rushed up to me, wearing his “Darth Vader” respirator and shoved two items in my face – two objects so lint-encrusted and dusty that they actually were triple their original size and looked FUZZY and vaguely Muppet-like (NOT in a nice way). I recognized one item as one of those “rat-tail” combs. The other – I haven’t the faintest CLUE what it was and I didn’t care to further examine it. It MAY have been a shiv, but do not quote me on that. While he “showed me” these things my Father was saying something very excitedly in his muffled “Darth Vader” voice to the effect of “THESE WERE STUCK TO THE FURNACE FILTER! THESE WERE STUCK TO THE FURNACE FILTER!!!” At least I THINK that’s what he was saying (it was confirmed later that the items were, indeed, stuck to the furnace filter). I was perturbed – first of all because my Father scared the hell out of me – startled me half to death – rushing up to me wearing that frightening mask and thrusting disgusting, grimy objects in my face. I also thought (mistakenly) from his agitated tone that somehow he was accusing me of some sort of impropriety that led to those objects being encased in furnace filter fluff. I suggested that he probably didn’t want to carry those filthy things wantonly about the house (I did not suggest this in a nice way). So he left me and went into another room where I heard him, in his “Darth Vader” voice, eagerly divulging to my Mother, “These were stuck to the furnace filter! THESE WERE STUCK TO THE FURNACE FILTER!!!”

So you can see why I might presume that the purchase of the Microban® combs might have something to do with the comb from the furnace filter which was, indeed, NOT “clean” or “fresh” – rather it was very, very dirty.

Most Sincerely,

Kate of Kate Hall, etc.

Paisley received a Christmas outfit from Grandma. Evidently, when you open the reindeer’s mouth it “says” something. I need to clarify with my Mother if this means there is a phrase PRINTED there or if this ensemble actually has an embedded electronic device. Either way, Paisley does not seem to care for this outfit.

Aunt Bev ALSO sent Paisley a Christmas outfit. Hmmmmmm. Which does Paisley prefer?

One might say she was a critic at only two months, but I would say she was just discerning. (Sorry, Mom.)

Anders is not QUITE one. But he already sings and “talks” and is very dexterous and, rest assured, will reach a point where the rest of his body catches up with the size of his head. Or not.

A group of women looking at the “junior” seasonal t-shirts were exclaiming with shock and awe (works here too, yes?) at the baby-doll “T” that said “Jingle my Bells.” Wait – perhaps it was “You can Jingle MY Bells!” Oooooh – it could have even been, “Jingle THESE Bells” (if you want to know for certain I can tell you where to purchase said item, but let’s leave that a mystery here). Naturally, the little girl with them asks:

What does, “Jingle My Bells” mean?

There was a long pause (long to accommodate our exit, anyway), but Shirleen and I were stifling our laughter too assiduously and with such great difficulty that we didn’t get to stay and hear the response.

Parents, PLEASE tell me what you would have said to your young child in answer to this festive query. And bear in mind YOU have the luxury to think a bit about your reaction. Maybe I could even consider this a Public Service Announcement like the ones from Phillip Morris that tells you how to talk to your children about cigarettes. Of course, if it’s like those PSA’s, then this one would have to be sponsored by…Hooters (probably worse).

Ah yes, “The More You Know.”

I have done it. I am OFFICIALLY old. It has little to do with chronological age; I have done the three defining things that make your SOUL old. They are as follows:

1. I LAUGHED at The Family Circus: My Mother was reading the “Funny Papers” (that’s what we old people call them – we watch our “stories” and we read “The Funny Papers”) the other day. Somehow she and I got into a discussion in which we marveled that The Family Circus still ran in “The Funny Papers.” She surmised that old folks liked it (and remembered that my Father thinks it’s a funny comic strip – HE’S always talking about “the good ol’ days”). I said something about every single comic consisting of that flat-headed kid with severe A.D.H.D. being told to go somewhere and we are treated to a picture in in which we can follow the arrow to all the OTHER seven hundred places he goes before he gets to the destination in his original instructions. Ha ha. My Mom said that only covered fifty percent of the comic strips (and I’m going to guess only the Sunday ones have the room for all those arrows and HILARITY). Then she described that day’s Family Circus scenario. It had something to do with that flat-headed kid being lost in a department store and the harried-looking “lost child” attendant making an P.A. announcement that “we have a little lost boy who says he is eleventy-seven and his name is ‘Spongebob.’” I hesitated for a moment, and then I said, “That’s actually kinda funny.” My Mom AGREED (she can be forgiven, as she is over fifty). I SAVED “The Funny Papers” so that I could include a scan of the comic strip and perhaps, just PERHAPS, someone might agree with me that in this case, The Family Circle was uncharacteristically amusing (okay, I even PULLED IT OUT OF THE RECYCLING BIN). Someone threw it way, though (and I have too much dignity to search – even if it IS the recycling and not the garbage – once again).
2. I watched Matlock ON PURPOSE: I was working on a project yesterday and flipping through the channels and I CHOSE with all my facilities of will and volition intact, to watch Matlock. And, so help me, last week I CHOSE to watch Murder, She Wrote. TWICE.
3. I was a bit chilly and I elected to wear a SHAWL: Nope, I did not grab one of my “hoodies” or “snugglies,” I chose a freakin’ SHAWL. Please let it count for a little bit that it is made of Pashmina (I say “is” because, so help me, I’m still wearing it). And does that fact that it is periwinkle count for or against me?