Filed under: Just so You Know...
Author: Kate Bartholomew
And I am such a COLOSSAL wiener that I cannot even think of a more clever title.
I usually try to see as many Oscar® nominated films as possible. Firstly, I am most fond of movies, in general, and secondly, it’s such a festive challenge (even if you are by your lonesome and not officially in a “contest”) to see if you can predict who and what will win. Last year I managed to get most of the “big” films in – even though it was just under the wire. I did a film marathon the day BEFORE the Oscar® broadcast and I believe I even managed to fit one in the day OF the broadcast.
Not this year. In fact, I’m mortified and embarrassed. I am looking at the Printable Oscar®.com Ballot, and let’s just say good intentions pave the road to HELL and ARTISTIC IGNORANCE. I MEANT to see so many of these films and, for whatever reason, I DID NOT. I considered jamming in the single most complicated film marathon EVER over the last couple of days, and I did not see a SINGLE FILM. I take that back; so help me, I watched Yentl AND Armageddon on television. SHUT UP! I love Yentl! Mandy Patinkin looks through my SOUL with those exquisite brown eyes.
But what of THE 78TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS®? Let me inventory the films I’ve seen. I’ll divide them into two groups; Group I includes well-respected films that may even be nominated in more than one category (and COULD win) and Group II includes movies that are in the somewhat more “humble” categories (wherein one goes for snacks or takes a restroom break during the presentation thereof):
- GROUP I:
- Pride & Prejudice: This film received four nominations. And I give it ALL LAUDS AND HONOURS AND BOW DOWN TO IT WITH ALL FITTING APROBATION AND VENERATION. Amen.
- March of the Penguins: It’s a DOCUMENTARY, so it won’t get much Hollywood-type recognition, but I liked it very much. The penguins were so, SO CUTE (please ignore the fact that I gush like a fifteen-year-old girl) and it was so poignant when their egg died or whatnot.
Yup, that’s it. We’re on to the second unit:
- GROUP II:
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Don’t get me wrong, I quite liked this movie. But let’s face it; it’s part four of a SERIES and it’s only nominated for Art Direction.
- Batman Begins: I admit, I liked this one, too (Christian Bale, being such a pretty, PRETTY man gave the film SOME bonus points just because he showed up in it). However, it wasn’t THAT great, and it’s only nominated for Cinematography. Fodder for bathroom breaks.
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: What can I say? It WAS rather a mess (what with all the chocolate…), but Johnny Depp is fascinating no matter what. Oh yes – and a pretty, PRETTY man. Besides, my family watched the DVD special features and I had the unparalleled pleasure of watching my Father, Shirleen, Sarah and William do Oompa Loompa dances – hysterical, if not vaguely surreal. Anyway, I suppose if you make a giant blueberry outfit you deserve a nomination for Costume Design.
- Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith: “Hello, my name is Kathryn and I saw Revenge of the Sith.” “Hello, Kathryn. GET OUT – YOU SUCK!” Something like that, anyway. Don’t EVEN get me started on this film. Just the inequities in health-care between the Dark Side and The Force make me SEETHE. Annakin gets turned into, shall we say – a smoldering, carbonized LUMP, and they can still REBUILD HIM FROM SCRATCH. Okay, so he has to talk more slowly because of the special respirator, but it just makes him sound more authoritative. And the special “suit” just looks evil and threatening – he’d no doubt custom order such an ensemble from his tailor (and then strangle him WITH THE MERE POWER OF HIS MIND if it was too tight in the crotch). Padmé, on the other hand, dies in childbirth. They can reconstruct Annakin/Darth Vader from a charred blob of NOTHING, yet she DIES IN CHILDBIRTH. DROIDS (no doubt straight off the moisture farm) are her caretakers, and all they do is discreetly cover her with a large, metal, gynecological horn o’ plenty and just let the babies pop out willy-nilly. WHAT IN THE HELL? And yeah, yeah, there are those who would claim she died of a “broken heart.” PLEASE. Apparently The Force isn’t any help for a “broken heart.” Like she found no reason to live FOR HER CHILDREN as opposed to pining away for her HUSBAND, who was EVIL INCARNATE (and unforgivably whiny even when he was “good”). Darth Vader, who was, you might say “heartbroken” when Padmé died, was effortlessly patched up by The Dark Side.
That’s it. I have failed you terribly, Jon Stewart, my BELOVED (if you weren’t married with two children, that is). Maybe next year…
WARNING: Do not think that my complete ignorance of the bulk of this years Academy Awards film canon will stop me from commenting on it like I know what I’m saying. It’s not as though being uninformed has ever stopped me from discussing pretty much ANY subject, ad nauseam.
Happy Oscar® Day!