Filed under: I Have Learned THE HARD WAY, Just so You Know...
Author: Kate Bartholomew
Just a few recent “life lessons” I thought I’d share:
- Those tasty bran muffins with apple made from the special recipe, though they are “free” or “one point” or something like that according to your sister’s diet experts, still contain oodles of BRAN. Consequently, do not consume them with COMPLETE abandon; you may want to pay attention to how many you’ve had (even if they were all you ate that day – wait apple slices, too – good – MORE FIBER). Otherwise, you will have a VERY “Fiberlicious Wednesday.” And this does not sound as good as “Fiberlicious Friday.” WAIT- gobble up all the bran muffins you want on FRIDAY because it sounds better – almost holiday-like. Oh, the FIBER!!!
- “Park City” really should be called “Golf Course & Kajillion Dollar Condo City.” More on that later.
- If you are touring potential venues for a short course (don’t ASK what insanity might convince you to do work for your Dad’s consulting company again; that’s a story for another time), you might think that the man directing you around the very, VERY nicest lodge (last in the day, coincidentally), would be offended (or at least frightened or taken aback) when you looked at the wide variety of trunks and large baskets placed about the beautifully-appointed suites (many of the pieces rare antiques) and commented at LEAST ten times, “And that’s where you put your dead bodies.” And about the most beautiful (and probably the rarest and most expensive trunk), “That’s the VERY BEST place for a dead body!” Also, concerning the largest wicker trunk, you MAY have made an obscure reference to throwing Falstaff in the river… Where was I? Oh, and THEN, with little oddly-placed doors you endeavored to describe how you and your friend used to assess places, if they looked likely, by saying, “That’s where I’d hide my Jews.” You know – if we went back in time (and to Europe?) and it was the Holocaust… We meant no disrespect; I suppose we were imagining how resourceful we might have been. Anyhoo, this will be the place you BOOK for the short course. The sales manager actually replied to my hiding place for “my Jews” (?) comment, “That’s the FIRST place the Germans would look.” I said we’d cover it with a big piece of furniture… And in an email, when you apologize for the possible offense of touring an EXPENSIVE, charming lodge and commenting the most exuberantly over all the hiding places for corpses, he will say you needn’t apologize because he thought you [yes, I] were [was] funny. It’s nice when not EVERYONE stares at you blankly because YOU ARE A FREAK.
- I’ve becoming increasingly fond of Eastmountainsouth (Hard Times Come Again No More – definitely the coolest interpretation of a Stephen Foster song around – especially fond of So Are You to Me – so short and lovely – and Mark’s Song – and yes, it’s because I’m MAUDLIN – I like it all, really) and Rosie Thomas (I’d have a hard times picking, but she’s got a great take on Let It Be Me – Farewell is haunting – try Let Myself Fall, All My Life or Since You’ve Been Around – her albums have a lot of variety) recently.
- A possible side effect of my newest medication is a “serious, sometimes FATAL rash.” Mind you, it’s very unlikely (you know – low, low occurrences of such a side-effect, but you must be informed so you can get immediate medical attention if you get any of the symptoms), but I am now obsessed by every tiny spot or speck on my body (and there are so MANY – I have freckles and moles and blemishes and bruises and whatnots….). And just writing this also makes me ITCH.
- The u-shaped airplane pillow I bought in Chicago (at MIDWAY were they don’t have the cool automated plastic that whirls around the toilet seat like at O’Hare – figures) and is full of small foam-like dots SMELLS FUNNY. It did not smell funny in the store, just later… It’s a pillow conspiracy. And I’m beginning to think it could be a poisonous smell.