I went to fetch Shirleen’s minute white dogs this evening because she and the kids have gone to the wilderness or a National Park or something (during which time she must wear an orthopedic corset THAT HAS ITS OWN CASE – many folks know how fond I am of containers, but that’s just going too far – but a she has to WEAR a foundation garment that IT’S OWN CASE – LIKE A GUITAR).
I decided to drive through Sonic (evidently “America’s Drive-In!”) to grab a bite and a gallon or so of caffeinated beverage. I chose Sonic because they believe in Happy Hour for CAFFEINE (not just caffeine, but I have my priorities). Perhaps I should have made a different choice tonight, as it was NOT Happy Hour.
It seemed like a very straightforward venture, but this is what happened: I drove up to the microphone and a male voice said, “Order when you’re ready.” The dogs were in the back seat making very gentle monkey-like “barky” noises, certainly nothing loud enough to interfere with microphone transmission. Nevertheless, when I said in my best “Secretary Voice” (long story – another time), “I’d like a ham, egg and cheese breakfast burrito,” I guess it didn’t carry very well. Oh yes – that’s another good thing about Sonic – breakfast ALL DAY. The guy said, “I couldn’t understand that.” I was a little surprised, I must say, because usually when you are inside a restaurant that has a drive-through the people making orders from their cars sound like they’re trying to be heard by an audience in a stadium without benefit of external amplification.
I repeated, “I’d like a ham, egg and cheese breakfast burrito.” This time he responded, “Breakfast frumlik rurfm schmufujm bacon eedooo pimentos.” I could SWEAR he said “pimentos.” Again, “I’d like an ham, egg and cheese breakfast burrito.” Then I decided to just continue with the order because by then I was using my very best and wonderful stage voice WITH SUPERB PROJECTION. So he began, “A Toaster sandwich with bacon and…” I stopped him. I PROJECTED VERY CLEARLY, “No, I want a breakfast BURRITO with ham, egg and cheese.” He started again, “Okay – a breakfast burrito with ham, egg and cheese plus bacon and an extra-large diet…”
“NO BACON,” I said firmly. Then, “I’m sorry,” I said, and I repeated the whole order again (see – I had to apologize so no one would spit in my food). There was a very, VERY long pause. Then I heard the glorious words, “A ham, egg and cheese burrito, an extra-large diet Coke with lime and a tropical yogurt and fruit smoothie.” The Hallelujah Chorus rang throughout all the world and I got my drinks (INUNDATED WITH BEVERAGES – it’s the best) and food and drove home with the wee chirping monkey dogs.
I sat down with the HAM, EGG AND CHEESE BREAKFAST BURRITO that I’d put on a plate with some salsa. I took a bite. Something was a little off… I took another bite – sausage. SAUSAGE, egg and cheese.
Is it peculiar that I felt slightly guilty at the prospect of eating ham during Passover even though I’m not Jewish? Come to think of it, I don’t think the sausage is sitting too well.