Deluxe A.C.M.E. Deluxe Boiled Raisin Cookies
INSTRUCTIONS: Invoke the gods of dried fruit. Scrutinize the raisins to ensure that they are pest-free while humming “I heard it through the Grapevine.”
Eat three raisins and claim that you are from the Fresno Raisin Quality Control Bureau if anyone walks in. Boil the raisins in the 1 cup of water (stirring frequently so they don’t scorch) until the water has all boiled off. Make appropriate high-pitched dying raisin noises such as “Oh no!!!” and “Help us!” Admire the pleasingly plump and juicy (dead) raisins; ah yes, they will be richly redolent raisins.
Cream the shortening and sugar (if you fancy yourself a show-off multi-tasker you could do this while the raisins suffered).
Add the eggs (for the cooking impaired – eggs sans shells, please) and vanilla.
Mix well, then add the raisins.
Produce more violent raisin noises like, “AAAAAAAAHHAHHHH, AAAAIEEEE!!!” Throw back your head and laugh maniacally.
Sift dry ingredients together and add to the cremated (?) mixture. Read the prior instruction and disregard the part about sifting and just dump everything in together because it really tastes just as good that way.
Sing a mixing song.
Attempt to get the extra batter off the beaters by lifting them out of the bowl and turning the mixer to “whip.” Clean the dough off of the walls and the ceiling. Eat some of the dough, but DO NOT let anyone else (especially your spouse, your brother or your father). Tell them that you are the Boss of Pastries if they protest. Or scare them with vivid stories of the diseases you can get from eating raw eggs (on second thought, I don’t recommend this strategy; you’re inclined to scare yourself more. SALMONELLA! SALMONELLA!!!). Throw a beater at anyone who gives you too much grief.
Make the dough into spoon-sized chunks or balls (depending on how anal-retentive you are) and roll them in the extra sugar.
Bake on an un-greased cookie sheet for between 8 to 10 minutes at 375°. Oh. Go back in time and pre-heat the oven to 375°.
Hide them from your father because he will eat them ALL.
This recipe makes one really huge cookie that will be quite raw in the middle or 236 really weensy-teensy burnt ones.
Call Kathryn (Kate) at (801) 518-5685 and invite her over as she is the OFFICIAL Deluxe A.C.M.E. Deluxe Boiled Raisin Cookie Taste and Aesthetics Control Monitor and is required BY LAW to sample your cookies.
Critics will rave, “Swell,” “Splendid,” “Scrumdiddelyumptious!!!” and “You boil the cookies?”
NOTE: I have embellished the “instructions” portion of my Great-Grandmother’s recipe just a tad. A BIG FAT tad.