Le Monde de Fromage de Kate

In the last couple of years, as some of you know, my life has gone through quite a bit of upheaval. Score ONE for me for mastering understatement in that last sentence; I could have said turmoil, cataclysm, disorder, commotion, disruption, confusion, and perhaps even MAYHEM. I did not.

Occasionally, I manage to extricate myself from a fetal position, and have a thought – perhaps even a cogent notion – which I would define that as anything other than, “What the…????” I mull over different prospects for my future, and if I take extra medication, I may come up with a number of possibilities that don’t trigger uncontrollable weeping.

For instance, I could go back to school and get a Master’s Degree (something I’d always intended to do before I spent approximately twenty years getting my bachelor’s degree and was so exhausted that the prospect of taking another class EVER seemed like horrific TORTURE – and I say that having learned more and more about ACTUAL methods of torture). If I were a more persuasive person, I’d have a Master’s by DEFAULT. That’s how many credits I have. Finances make that one a stretch, not to mention WHAT IN THE HELL WOULD I STUDY? Would I keep up the fine arts pursuit? Would I go back to anthropology (I double-majored in Vocal Performance and Anthropology for a while – this should explain a lot about my efficiency and decision-making abilities)? To make any of it lucrative would I have to get the Ph.D., too (as a child a ASSUMED I’d do this – my Father is a professor after all)?

I had a therapist who kept calling my job as an Office Coordinator my “career.” She was skilled, qualified and helpful in many respects, but I really thought I’d slap her upside the head if she said that one more time. She didn’t seem to understand that – yes – that’s the kind of job I had done for years to make ends meet (or attempted to make ends meet), and, moreover, the possibility existed that I’d ALWAYS have such a “Joe Job” (in the Arts this is the flippant way of saying, “Job that actually entails a consistent wage, health insurance and additional benefits”). Ugh. Yes, there are, no doubt, many “Joe Jobs” in store for me. However, that’s only if I become more clever and don’t say “verklempt” in West Valley – and if I’m even SMARTER and don’t GET verklempt in West Valley (I suppose I should add that the interviewers actually likedmy and my verklempt-itude (?) didn’t have anything to do with my not getting the position).

I’ve also considered going back to school and getting a teaching certificate. Again, finances make the option of ANY schooling far-fetched currently. And then, of course, there’s the galling reality that I would have worked hard to earn certification on top of my Bachelor’s Degree so that I could go and make considerably LESS money than I did at my last “Joe Job.” I don’t refute that teaching is important. I don’t deny that I’ve had very gratifying and fulfilling experiences while teaching. I’m just asserting that TEACHERS SHOULD MAKE MORE THAN OFFICE COORDINATORS AND ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS AND TRUCK DRIVERS. Not to mention the fact that this State has the dubious honour of ranking 51 (yes, that’s correct, 51) in per pupil expenditures. On the other hand, from what I just read, we’ve managed to rank very CONSISTENTLY in terms of per pupil expenditures. And being consistent is like being RELIABLE…

Wait – TRUCK DRIVERS! According to late-night TV commercials, certainly the most trustworthy form of media in the WORLD, I could be a truck driver in only SIX WEEKS! And the wages and benefits are INSTANTLY wondrous AND, what’s more, I could shower at a TRUCK STOP! Since, at the moment, my shower head is broken, that has a certain allure to it.

But I should get to the meat of the matter – or should I say CHEESE. Almost a month ago, Grettir sent me a link to The Cheese School of San Francisco. Yes, you read that correctly CHEESE SCHOOL. Could there be a more perfect aspiration for a turophile than to attend CHEESE SCHOOL?

And not only is it CHEESE SCHOOL, but San Francisco is a fascinating locale (very close to my birthplace, actually) AND they are practically flooded with excellent cheese shoppes. Oh JOY and RAPTURE!!! The prospect of CHEESE SCHOOL lifted me from my mundane existence to a Beauteous Shangri-La of Dairy BLISS.

Alas – I must impart that reality eventually set it. I’ve already mentioned finances as an issue in consideration of possible life endeavors. Living in the Bay Area is so prohibitively expensive that I would no doubt have less trouble buying a yacht and living in the French Riviera. With a cabin boy named Raoul catering to my every need… Hmmm. That’s a nice fantasy, too.

But – Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – CHEESE SCHOOL! Can I really dismiss THIS:

The Cheese School of San Francisco is the only institution of its kind in the San Francisco Bay area wholly devoted to helping people maximize their enjoyment of cheese.

The curriculum is designed to satisfy food lovers of all types, from the merely curious, to the serious cheese enthusiast, to the food service professional.

They teach “Fondue” and “The Art of the Cheese Tray,” for crying out loud. On the faculty they have several professional cheese mongers, chefs and culinary experts, an expert on chocolate (why not?), an acclaimed cheese author, and a cheese educator who is also a renowned judge of cheese competitions and a sought-after lecturer on cheese. They are, in their own words, “…just plain crazy about cheese,” and “…positively passionate about cheese.”

If I don’t get there somehow and teach them the word “turophile,” what MEANING will my life have? I might as well be lactose-intolerant (knock-on-wood)!!!

This is why I am hatching a cunning plan. It is SO cunning that other cunning plans bow their wily heads in shame, mortification and degradation at the mere suggestion of MY cunning plan.

Regrettably, I must leave the elucidation of my superlatively cunning plan until later. It would not do to throw such a flawless gem in with all the mucky-muck, interminable rubbish you just read (or didn’t). So, I shan’t bid you any goodbyes, simply au revoir and auf wiedersehen.

Why do the workings – the very mechanism – of my brain STILL baffle me?

Just the other day, my Mother was telling me about Oprah and something very nice she’d done using “whatever the currency is in South Africa.”

“Rand,” I immediately said.

We both had a “what the…???” response to that one (especially because I was correct). Only a day before I’d had to ask her what a “cooked” cheese sandwich was called. I honestly couldn’t remember.

I’ll record THAT phrase here (well – it’s also in the comment I was writing at the time, but – CHEESE – Grommit!) for all posterity, as it is my duty as a noted Turophile:
GRILLED Cheese Sandwich

*NOT

You cannot imagine how delighted I was when I read the following on Ashley’s Blog:

P loves cheese. She would eat a whole brick of it if I let her. Instead I cut up one slice at a time, and she has all the pieces stuffed in her mouth in less than 10 seconds. It scares me because I worry she’ll choke, but it makes me laugh as well.

So Paisley is not only brilliant and beautiful, she is discerning, too. A budding turophile before she even turns one! Here she is with “cheese cheeks:”

And she has just learned to sign for “more,” too:

How cute is that? I am so overcome with the cute-iosity that I know I’d find it rather difficult to deny her the whole block of cheese.

Isn’t it stupendous how she’s gaining the personality traits of her VERY Favourite Aunt day by day? She’s smart, discriminating, has crazy hair, and, sometimes, erratic mood changes (e.g. The Cookie Incident).

Here, for instance, she is very, very MAD at her shoes:

A split second later she is DELIGHTED with her shoes:

Never fear, Charles and Ashley, as the comparisons, no doubt, end there. But I’m still nigh unto blissful about the CHEESE.

If you, like I am, are deeply saddened to have missed the 2006 Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Competition, then I have a timely opportunity for you. From today until July 2, 2006, you can receive a 20% discount on specialty items and ALL CHEESE at the Ideal Cheese Shop! They are, apparently, having an anniversary sale.

It is a little unclear exactly WHAT Anniversary the Ideal Cheese Shop is celebrating. They do say:

Since 1954, we have introduced dozens of exotic cheeses to the American marketplace.
Ideal Cheese Shop has established itself with a reputation of service and knowledge which truly makes it The Ideal Cheese Shop.

How nice, indeed. But most people don’t make all that big a deal of their 52nd Anniversary (I believe the traditional gift for that Anniversary is figs and the Modern alternative is wasabi peas…). The tour of the Ideal Cheese Shop doesn’t elucidate this question any further:

Okay, evidently they changed locations at some point, but they don’t say when. The only thing that occurs to me after seeing this information is the following: IS ED EDELMAN DEAD??? Say that five times really fast with a mouth-full of marbles (no disrespect intended if he HAS passed on).

Ah well, who knows. Discounted cheese is DISCOUNTED CHEESE!!!

What does this have to do with Gloucestershire and Cheese Rolling? I respond to your query with THIS:

Butlers’ Goosnargh Gold®

This is an “outstanding Double Gloucester with peachy orange tones – the color of a late autumn sunset.” Poetic AND delicious, no doubt. They offer several other Double Gloucestershires as well, but this one just seems like it would ROLL awfully well. The largest increment that they offer is five pounds. I do not know if this constitutes an actual wheel or not, but I’m sure their customer support could be of assistance. In the genuine competition they tumble down that essentially vertical hill after a 7-8 pound wheel of Double Gloucestershire. But I’m sure that, for the novice, five pounds would suffice. As I have a innate capacity to inadvertently fling myself down on pretty much ANY surface, I think I could hurl myself off a precipice after a wheel of cheese VERY ably. This might just be MY sport.

Speaking of cheese (weren’t we?), I have been made aware (THANKS, Grettir!) of what I can only say is the BEST SPORT IN THE WORLD. It is the Cheese Rolling Competition in Gloucestershire, held this year on May 29th. What is “Cheese Rolling?”

It’s Gloucestershire’s craziest event and there are plenty of daring souls who are willing to risk life and limb to chase after a big Double Gloucester cheese at Cooper’s Hill …

No kidding, competitors from around the world (or at least the UK and evidently some “Kiwis” who were identified in the photo gallery) will chase down this practically VERTICAL hill after a wheel of cheese.

Of all Britain’s weird and wonderful customs and traditions, the annual cheese rolling races at Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire must be among the strangest – and certainly the most spectacular.
It takes place every year on Cooper’s Hill near Brockworth in the last weekend of May, and it sees scores of men and women hurtle 200 yards down a near vertical slope in pursuit of a seven-pound Double Gloucester cheese.
Thousands more gather to watch the remarkable spectacle which has been happening almost every year for at least 200 years, and it is believed, possibly many centuries more.

Here, by the way, is bucolic, rustic, pastoral (insert peaceful, countrified adjective here) Gloucestershire (to be pronounced as it only has ONE or TWO syllables rather than four or so):

And in this calm setting, age-old CHEESE-INDUCED INSANITY takes place every year in May. According to retired teacher, Jean Jefferies, who lives on the slopes of Cooper�??s Hill and is writing a book on the history of the cheese rolling races:

It seems that originally the event took place at midsummer. At some point it was moved to Whit Monday and in 1967 it was moved again, with the bank holiday to the last Monday in May.

This year, though the day started out with pleasant weather, it RAINED (in England?????):

As the OFFICIAL Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Website said, “Just as the first cheese was rolled, down came the rain!” Indeed – and washed the spider out…

Notice the last image (no – not the sumo wrestler people with troll hair – that’s the penultimate image – I mean the one on the far right). Those are paramedics. And they are always close at hand, because there are plenty of injuries (even if it DOESN’T rain):

The two pictures on the left are from this year’s race (the second an image of one of the WINNERS), but the view on the right is of a competitor from 2004 who RENDERED HIMSELF UNCONCIOUS and had to be taken away by ambulance. This is better than rugby; there’s mud, no protective gear is utilized, there are many disfiguring accidents, AND there is CHEESE!

You’ll want to take a look at some of this year’s winners:

Oh, how they hold that cheese aloft with PRIDE. Here’s another winner (from 2004), who I especially like:

She wins, she’s proud, and then, evidently, she’s “knackered.”

I shall now provide you with a few Cheese Rolling Facts:

• Cheese rolling races are believed to have been held at Cooper’s Hill, near Gloucester, for hundreds of years.
• It was already an old tradition in the early 19th century.
• Its roots may lie in ancient fertility rites or hopes of a successful harvest.
• Competitors chase a Double Gloucester cheese weighing 7-8lb.
• During rationing in the Second World War the cheese was replaced by a wooden replica – still with a piece of cheese inside.
• Cooper’s Hill has a gradient of 1 in 2 for most of its height and a precipitous 1 in 1 in places.
• There are four downhill races, one for ladies, and uphill races for children and the really fit.
• The downhill race start point is marked by a maypole topped by a cockerel.
• The 2001 event was cancelled as a result of the foot and mouth crisis.
• The 2003 event was cancelled because of an Earthquake!

To get a REAL feel for this wacky dairy sport, watch Chaotic Race 5 and the Cheese Rolling Montage. Also, check the other pictures HERE. Lastly, check out the OFFICIAL Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling site for this page about past activities connected to the “Cooper’s Hill Wake” (back to the 1800’s). My favourites are “‘grinning (through a horse’s collar) for a cake” and – I kid you not – “shin-kicking!” Now THAT must have been a good time.

Let me just leave you a picture of my most favourite Cheese Rolling fan. He is, evidently, a “regular” at the event:

I’ve been out of town (I’ll be vague for now, hoping that it sounds more impressive than it really is), so I’m sure that everyone has wept tears of loneliness in a vain attempt to fill the humongous, empty void that was left by my droll prose. But don’t cry, my wee ones, here I am to provide you with… with… Okay – here I am to provide you with my usual crap.

Here’s a little tidbit just in time for Mother’s Day:

You can get a 20% discount on any orders placed at IdealCheese.com from May 6 – 14. AND Cheese of the Month Plans and Gift Baskets make terrific Mother’s Day gifts.

MMMMMMMMmmmmmm. Discount cheese!!!!

I think I may have to turn in my Turophile crown. Duh – it’s IMAGINARY; I’m not THAT crazy (don’t get me wrong, having constructed four or five “Festival of Idaho” crowns – a subject for another time – I think I might really enjoy having a Turophile crown, but I don’t deserve it now). I received an email from Ideal Cheese concerning the “Ideal Cheese Super Brown Special Jan. 28 – Feb. 5, 2006.” I still do not get the “brown,” part; we’ll just have to see if I can figure that one out. I immediately thought determined that this was vital, life-altering cheese information and that I should, as a good Turophile, immediately share it. Here’s the gist of what I would have posted:

Get ready for your Super Bowl 2006
party with some great cheeses from Ideal Cheese at a great reduction!

From Saturday, January 28 through Sunday, February 5, 2006, you can order up to 5 different cheeses, and receive a 20% discount on those.

I KNOW! Were I at all solvent be assured I’d have five breath-taking different cheeses at the house this very minute (if I’d not gobbled them all up before tonight). But, ALAS, I am certainly not “in the chips.” AND, double alas (oh yes I CAN), when I first attempted to post the information I could not access the Ideal Cheese site. Oh, you can imagine (hmmm- don’t try too hard) the foul dairy curses that flew through the air at that moment.

Before I continue, I must stress that the following information is JUST BETWEEN US! I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. You may ask why. THEY ARE ALWAYS WATCHING AND LISTENING; THAT IS WHY. Shhhhhh!!! You see, Firefox has developed an unfounded animosity for me (I can’t think of a single reason I deserve it) and there is no love lost between Internet Explorer and I (Yes, I HAVE GROWING HATRED FOR IT – shhhhhh!!!). So because I couldn’t access the Ideal Cheese site when I first thought of it, I failed to remember to go back and attempt it again. Yes, I FORGOT. Curses on this brain rattling aimlessly in my mammoth cranium! February Fifth is over, Super Bowl 2006 is over (I presume – and I DO NOT CARE TO WHAT END), so no special and wonderful discount cheese. I can only extend my most humble and sincere apologies to all those affected by this Käse Catastrophe. In addition, I will do my utmost to make certain that such an egregious oversight of a wonderful cheese opportunity will never occur on my blog again.

Cheese thought du jour:

Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality. (Clifton Fadiman (1904 – ))

That should really make the bovine population think.

I have been doubly remiss in several important blog categories (am I not cute – I think my blog categories are IMPORTANT), specifically “Cheese Thoughts” (which is really bad considering the name and ostensible focus of my site) and “I Fell Down.”

Let me address the issue of my négligence de fromage post-haste:

The Ideal Cheese Shop (they send me cheese-email – I like them) is having an “Around the World Sale!” from July 23 through July 31, 2005 (sorry – slightly late notice). You can “Save more than 20% on the selection of delicious cheeses from around the world.” I think I would lean towards the Il Giardino Reggiano Parmesan, the French Bucheron and the Prima Donna from Holland. But I must admit that I find the “Maytag Blue” from Iowa intriguing (though I’m slightly put off by the whole appliance connection).

URGENT EMGERGENCY CHEESE ANNOUNCEMENT

My very most favourite cheese shoppe, the Juhl Haus Deli and Market, has unexpectedly CLOSED!!! I couldn’t get to their website, and I called the management at Foothill Village and they confirmed the horrible tidings. I am seriously bereaved. There is no equivalent; there isn’t a single place that even could presume take its place. The closest substitute would have to be Liberty Heights Fresh in Salt Lake City; they actually have an impressive cheese selection for such a small market – for any market, really (they also carry organic produce, imported foodstuffs and lovely artisan bread, etc.) and it’s a charming shoppe.

Sigh. I’m still sad.

Huzzah! You delve into some of the myriad unsorted emails in your box and your may uncover TREASURE. Here’s another lovely James Lileks tidbit (I say that like someone is going to remember the Lileks’ Ode I included in 2003):

Mmmmm. Man. That’s the other benefit of Atkins: cheese is no longer The Enemy. I’ve started exploring the options. I’ve always been cheese-curious, to be frank. But it’s a daunting world, and sometimes you commit to a wedge at the store only to find you don’t like it when you get it home. But this Irish cheddar – when I die, I want to be filled with this cheese. I want people to see the box lowered in the earth and think there goes a man who is great with cheese. If I’m going to feed the worms I might as well give them a banquet instead of sawdust and formadehyde. . . [NOTE: Yes, that should be “formaldehyde” – It’s nice that I’m not the only one to make spelling mistakes.]

Mmmm. Man. Wow.

(Thanks again, Grettir, for the heads up.)

I’m realizing that I should have included a bigger section of that 2003 Lileks’ (Lileks’s????? I never can decide.) piece. Well, tomorrow is another day; AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I SHALL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!

That’s too sad (and misquoted, I think?) to even include an attribution. Ugh.