A couple of weeks ago I learned about “String Theory” from the Late Show with David Letterman. I should explain, it was a physicist guest who did the instructing, not David Letterman. Mind you, I’m not presuming anything one way or the other about David Letterman’s knowledge of physics; he may be the next Stephen Hawking for all I know. In fact, remember how he used to conduct very scientific “suit” experiments – like the suit of Velcro, the suit of Alka-Seltzer®, etc.? And remember how he used to hurl various objects off of very tall buildings? If that isn’t some fine physics I don’t know what is.

Anyhoo, the physicist guest, who will soon host his own show (which means he’s a pretty boy physicist – for whatever that’s worth in the physics world), provided this definition of String Theory (I paraphrase a tad):

EVERYTHING [all matter] is composed of extremely tiny, wiggling strings.

That’s a very good theory. It could only be improved by a slight substitution so that it read “everything is composed of extremely tiny, wiggling string cheeses.” (Hmm. That would make it the “String Cheese Theory,” I suppose). I would probably also substitute the word “wee” for “tiny” – that always improves the cuteness ranking of any scientific theory without getting as saccharine and cloying as to say “teeny weeny,” “teensy weensy,” or “itty bitty.” I might also say “undulating” instead of “wiggling.” It’s far sexier.

The whole “String Theory” thing reminds me of Monty Python’s “String Sketch.” “SIMPSON’S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!” and whatnot. Come to think of it, what with the silly walks and all, what brilliant physicists!