I had to do it. I wandered onto the site, ZayZayEm, purported to be “Better than a Knife in the Eye.” My favorite thing, other than the fact that “ZayZayEm” is from Yeppoon, Queensland, Australia (Yeppoon! Yeppoon! YEPPOON!!! Perhaps my new favorite arbitrary word to shout at random times?), is that he actually used the phrase “fair dinkum.” And I quote:

Builders came today. Actual fair dinkum builders, who take measurements before they start taking things apart and putting things together…

There’s something satisfying about seeing the truth in something you thought was merely stereotypical. ZayZayEm took a vacation recently (a little disappointed – didn’t say a damn thing about “walk about”) upon which he took a photograph of a “ditched car.” He also notes:

And, no, there were no dead bodies or bones or a black bag with swads of cash inside… (somebody did ask me this already). Just spiders.

I also saw a massive red-bellied black on the drive back. It was huge. I swear it looked almost as round as my arms (which admittedly is not really that big) and at least 1 meter or meter+half in length. Mum thinks we have some in our backyard; oh, goody.

OY! We must “Watch out – They’re Daaaaangerous!

Where was I? Ah, yes. On his site ZayZayEm links to The Reincarnation Test from “The Student Center: Where Students Come Together.” Despite the notable inventiveness (GAH!) of their site title, it has got to be the UGLIEST website I’ve seen in a long time. Not to mention that its target demographic evidently includes only those who bare their midriffs on a regular basis (and, perhaps, fight with their parents over this life-shattering issue). I thoughtfully regarded the test index, considered taking the “Man-Whore Test,” but decided to stick with reincarnation; I didn’t want to skew their very scientific test results by my spurious antics. They were generous enough to include a test-taker’s category of “24 and above,” though the “age” drop-down menu started, I think, at thirteen, so as to imply that one couldn’t possibly CONCEIVE of someone who had surpassed the mind-boggling age of twenty-four-years-old.

With bated breath I waded through the forty introspective questions in order to determine the course of my next life. And:
I stole this
You will be reincarnated as a Badger,
deadliest of the large rodents.

Hmmmm. I’m not certain what this means. Maybe I’ll ask ZayZayEm; he is destined to be a badger, too. I also received a 43.94% on the test. Is that good? So many unanswered questions about my destiny…

I already knew that the world’s largest rodent, the Capybara (from South America), is not the deadliest rodent (at least that’s what I learned as a youngster when I read Bill Peet’s true story about a Capybara). But WAIT – I didn’t thing badgers were rodents at all. Ah – indeed – badgers are NOT rodents. They, in fact, EAT rodents. They are actually from the Family Mustelidae (which also includes weasels, ferrets, minks, skunks and otters), and their Genera include Taxidea and Meles. (Gotta see if I remember – “Kings Play Chess On Fine Grain Sand”: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species. See, Pam, I did go to A.P. Biology!) So I omitted this portion of the badger’s classification: Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Chordata, Class Mammalia, Order Carnivora. After that, of course, comes the aforementioned Family, and then the Genus and Species, naturally, are taxidea taxus. Well, that’s the North American Badger. I don’t know what the Latin is for the European variety. Let’s just say, “Meles Badgereas Eurotrashimus.”

Also, I haven’t found anything to indicate the badger is “deadly,” per se. They are carnivores, so if you are a wee little mouse, a hoppy frog or a tiny wiggly worm you might think otherwise.

But, in truth, Badgers are neither rodents nor deadly. Lies, lies, LIES. DAMNED IGNORANT TEENAGERS THESE DAYS!

I should have taken the “Man-Whore” test.