Mostly whimsy and drivel of no consequence. And CHEESE.
“To the best dog ever…”
27Jan2006 Filed under: My Kitten Children Author: Kate BartholomewI received this greeting card in the mail today from PetSmart® (my last name was misspelled, but I consider anything that’s only two or so letters off to be a triumph – even when I have GIVEN it to someone letter by letter):
Someone give me a tissue.
Inside the card, in addition to the cloying greeting – I’ll get to that later – was a “birthday certificate” for a free dog toy. Now, MY birthday isn’t too far off, and when I’d first skimmed the card it said something about belonging to the PetPerks® program, which I do, so I thought it was a birthday gift for ME. Not the case.
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Upon more careful reading, I discovered that, according to the above-pictured document, I OWN the “best dog ever.” Moreover, it’s My Dog’s BIRTHDAY AND the inside of the card is, I kid you not, addressed “To the best dog ever…” But there’s more. “Jessica,” the PetSmart® “Birthday Coordinator” evidently sent this card and gift to My Dog, “the best dog ever.” Oh – and a POEM, too (ready another tissue):
You bring so much joy
Into everyone’s day,
All the wags, walks and fun –
We just wanted to say,Thanks for the smooches,
And the love, tried and true.
We hope that your day
Is as special as you!
I can only mange to utter THANK GOD THAT DOGS CANNOT READ. Ah yes – but therein lies the rub – I HAVE NO DOG. As I’ve mentioned before, I have two Kitten Children (whose tiny eyes I will have to cover if they come and sit on the computer desk, as they are wont to do – yes, I presume THEY are smart enough to read – they do, after all, receive mail). When I signed up for the PetPerks® program I do not recall mentioning ANY pets, and as much as I adore (probably to a vaguely depressing extent) my Kitten Children, I cannot recall their birthdays off-hand (I am a HORRIBLE Mother – HORRIBLE), so even if I’d mentioned my pets I couldn’t have supplied their birthdates. Come to think of it, that really is sad. My Kitten Children give me Mother’s Day cards and even gave me a lovely set of scented votive candles and pretty holders for Christmas (perhaps they had assistance, but they were still the gift-givers). Thank goodness I can hear them in the kitchen stealing the dog’s food (the dog who belongs to my PARENTS – the old lady dog who doesn’t even play with toys any more) and are therefore too occupied to see this. But that’s not the point (YES – I HAVE a point – I ALWAYS do, even if I meander around for two or three or sixty-seven pages before I get to it). I evidently own “the best dog ever,” and I have no idea who has My Dog! How alone this poor canine must feel, especially since it’s his or her birthday.
So if ANYONE has information about My Dog, “the best dog ever,” – sorry, that’s the only description I have, other than the fact that it is the aforementioned pooch’s birthday – please let me know immediately. The “birthday certificate” expires on February 28, 2006, so we have to work fast if My Dog, “the best dog ever,” is going to receive his/her very special birthday gift. Thank you for your assistance in this matter.
P.S. I am certifiable. Fiona just jumped up onto the desk and I actually did, momentarily, cover her tiny eyes and I said – out loud, “Fiona – don’t look! Don’t look!” Immediately I felt horribly silly. Yet THEN, when she at one point turned her sweet little face to the screen, I had to squelch the impulse to do it again. No wonder someone has taken My Dog, “the best dog ever.”
Shirleen
January 27th, 2006 at 5:59 pm
It’s quite possible that Petsmart had devined a birthday for one of you Kitten children (perhaps Fiona) based on the aproximate age on their first visit. Then out of error they sent her the dog card, not the cat card. I just received a cat card for Amber, who according to lovely card is now 5. I don’t remember when her birthday is, or when I might have given it to Petsmart, but there it is.
Amber
January 27th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
Actually, our best dog ever–Scout–just had HIS 5th birthday, so maybe they got you mixed up with us. We definitely did not get a Petsmart card, though we were loyal members in San Jose. Hmmmmmmmmm.
Pam
January 27th, 2006 at 8:00 pm
Hey, my dog is “Scout,” too, only she’s a girl, and she’s “The Most Idiotic Dog Ever.” I’ve been letting her out during the day lately. Those of you who know Scout know that she’s often stuck in her kennel for too long because my husband, whose dog she is (I have actually disowned her because her immense stupidity), is hardly ever home to let her out. So, since I’ve been feeling sorry for her, I’ve been letting her out to run around for hours-on-end (we don’t have a fence) and eat the neighbors’ garbage–mostly poopy diapers. (I’m not kidding; I often find the remains of said diapers in my yard; they’re Luvs brand; I seriously recommend that you don’t let Scout lick your hands or face.) However, yesterday–hours after I let her out–I found a ripped open, half-eaten bag of Ice Melt in my front yard. Not good. I looked for the ingredients on the bag, but she ate the chunk with the contents on it. So I called Poison Control. They were so helpful: “Well,” they said, “if the ingredients were sodium chloride, she’ll just be thirsty; however, if the ingredients were ethylene glycol, that’s what’s in anti-freeze, and she’s going to die.”
I’ll let you guess which, but here’s a hint: she’ll be eight on May 26th. (I don’t even really like my Dog Child, “The Most Idiotic Dog Ever,” and I know her birthday. You ARE a bad, bad mother, Kate. Just kidding. Cats are different. They don’t believe in birthdays.)
Ashley
January 27th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
Kate-I think Maggie may be in desperate need of that birthday toy. She devoured the toy she received from Grandma in about 5 seconds (see footage on my site). Aggression perhaps towards the baby getting all the attention? And today I threw away another one of her toys as she has taken to snacking on the rubber during the day. Sure, it’s no ice-melt, but it’s rather nasty. Especially the little wet, chewed up bits all over the floor.
Shirleen-Caesar and Amber will be 5 as of March 19. They’re growing up so fast…how pathetic is it that I know this? We used to buy Caesar goodies for his birthday, such as cans of tuna, but he’s such a snoot that he just tries to bury it.
Kate
January 28th, 2006 at 1:23 am
From what I understand (and from some experience) MOST dogs adore poopy diapers, feminine hygiene products (USED – don’t ask), and will eat cat poops like they are delicious Tootsie Rolls, which is a little odd, considering that chocolate is poison for both cats AND dogs. Perhaps it is good policy to avoid “smooches” – thank you PetSmart® Poet – from any dog. I must, because I am allergic to dogs (and cats) – not horribly – but their saliva causes a worse reactions than their dander.
Oh – and speaking of poison, when my folks had an ENORMOUS litter of yellow lab puppies, they ate rat poison (thank goodness there were only a half dozen or so at the house by then as they’d been given away or sold) and I happened to be visiting, peeked out in the garage, and saw all this bright green puppy poop. Luckily, my Mom knew (why I’m not sure) that this indicated poisoning. We rushed them all to the vet, they were given mega doses of Vitamin K (I think that’s the antidote) and they were all fine. So if you have a dog: vividly green poop = rat/mice poison and you do have a window of time to counteract it. Nowadays Vets have cloud based veterinary practice management software, so make sure you make an appointment immediately. I, personally, would just say NEVER have rat or mice poison, because I think it is a cruel way to kill rats and mice (it congeals their blood and kills them in a tortuously painful and slow manner), and even if you must kill them (the “trap and release” method with an infestation of mice is a little unfeasible) there must be a better way (“build a better mousetrap?”). Oh – and speaking of MORE poop, my Parents’ garage smells like poop all of the time because of rotting mice carcasses hidden in various inaccessible recesses of the garage. Yum.
And speaking of even MORE poop (some of you probably bowed out one hundred or so words ago at the first “thanks for sharing” moment), Lark, my Parents’ little old lady dog, is less able to “hold it” in her elderly state, and has accidents if she isn’t let out VERY regularly. So the other day, when too long an interval had passed since she’d been outside, she left a poop right smack dab in the middle of the new laminate flooring in the hall. That’s not the festive part. It was shaped, I SWEAR, precisely like a little swan or duck (truthfully, it was shaped precisely like a marshmallow Peep® – but I cannot think of it that way because I love Peeps with a deep and abiding passion – especially if they are just a tad stale).
Ashley, what sort of toy would Maggie not devour immediately? Lark doesn’t play with toys anymore, so Maggie could certainly have it. I was thinking we could get her a rubber squeaky hamburger and maybe she’d have a false pregnancy and make milk and NURSE IT and protect it as though it were a real puppy, as did our Freckles (the cocker spaniel we had when we were growing up). The best part is that the rubber squeaky newspaper – no false pregnancy (perhaps she was hungry for news – yikes – was NOT attempting the wretched pun). But years after the first false pregnancy we got her another rubber squeaky hamburger, and – you guessed it – she had another false pregnancy. Weirdo. She really fit into this family.
And I may be a bad Mother in many respects (Pam – I love the concept that cats do not “believe” in birthdays – but I warrant they would believe in any occasion that got them extra treats), but starting with “Baggy,” Bebe’s uncle – also known as “Kitten” making BeBe “Small Kitten” – I have crocheted each cat their very own little afghan. I even made one for Lark. It takes two skeins of Lion Brand® Homespun® Yarn. You chain the approximate end of what will be a small rectangle (just make sure you chain an even number), and then just alternate rows of single crochet with rows of single, double, single, double, single (each row starts and ends with a single crochet) until it looks like a wee afghan for a spoiled little pet.
And in case you thought you had all the ammunition you had ever desired to taunt me mercilessly for the rest of my life, let me add that I felt so guilty that I did not know the birthdays and birth-dates of my Kitten Children that I dug around for vaccination records. Beatrice Alessandra Gatto (BeBe) was born February 15, 2003, and Fiona Maura MacArthur was born June 29, 2004. True – I may at some point have fabricated the dates that I gave to the vet, but I cannot remember, therefore it’s good enough for me. So BeBe’s birthday IS coming up (though they STILL couldn’t have known that) but she wouldn’t want a damn CANINE toy, anyway.
Pam
January 28th, 2006 at 8:12 am
Yes! Peeps must be properly “aged” (i.e. exposed to the air) at least a few hours, preferably a day…if you can wait that long.
Morgan
January 28th, 2006 at 10:25 am
You can have my dogs. They love cats. The more poop the better. Take them…please.
Ashley
January 28th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Now, I’m not saying that Maggie shouldn’t get another toy to tear apart in 5 seconds, as she immensely enjoyed doing so. Her trick, which in 5 years of being her step-mom I NEVER KNEW, is that she systematically tears the damn things apart until she finds the squeak and KILLS it. Which will pose a problem in the not too far future, as many baby toys have the same squeak, and she comes running as soon as she hers that noise. I can just imagine Paisley crying in a few years, “maggie…(sob sob)ate my…(sniffle sob)squeaky Piglet…(sob).
And by the way Kate, you shouldn’t feel silly about telling Fiona not to look at the computer screen, because at least you don’t smile and coo at DIGITAL VIDEOS of your child, trying to get the image to smile back.