Mostly whimsy and drivel of no consequence. And CHEESE.
I have always considered myself a creative person. And feedback from others seems to support this conclusion. I suppose the possibility exists that I am told, “That’s very…creative,” when the subtext is, in fact, “That’s INSANE and I’m afraid to anger you with an honest response lest you go into a psychotic rage.”
Either way, my imagination (if I, indeed, have one), seems to fail me when it comes to Halloween costumes. Either I cannot come up with a ANYTHING, or I conjure up an ensemble that completely and utterly baffles people.
Years ago, for instance, for the Genetic Research Halloween party, I printed a bunch of white business cards. Right the middle, in a small and (I thought) appropriately characteristic font, I printed the word “Ennui.” My acting chops were decent in those days, and I think I did a very fine interpretation of “Ennui.” No one (with the exception of my dear friend, Boom Boom) understood it AT ALL.
Then there was the last Halloween costume I created (prior to this Halloween, I should say). I was Antarctica. I took a very large white sheet, cut a hole for my head, and donned it over a white turtleneck. This created an excellent and vast white continental expanse. Then I added the indigenous fauna. For this I did RESEARCH. Then I purchased a number of little plush penguins and two varieties of seals, which I safety-pinned onto the sheet in an area which I though seemed like the “coastline.” I skipped the lice and midges, etc. I also skipped the flora entirely (you know – lichens, algae, moss). I didn’t want to interrupt the whole characteristic “ice-storm” and barren vastness impression. I was pleased to have come up with what I presumed was rather a unique design.
I went to a party in this garb. No one got it. I even tried to MAKE some people guess what I was. It was a painful process that took many broad hints to elicit ANY success. Humiliating.
I wondered, in retrospect, if some very tiny research stations and a few minuscule people trekking with little sleds across the most immense and “barren” portion of the continent would have made things more clear. Probably not. And they certainly would have made it uncomfortable to sit down.
So, this year I did not have any high hopes for Halloween inspiration, nor did I have plans that made a costume mandatory. However, I was expecting some of my most FAVOURITE trick-or-treaters. And, because I thought it might be fun for them (?), I actually concocted something. I’ll elaborate in a further entry, because I want to prepare the appropriate accompanying pictures.
Unfortunately, my back and my neck were feeling especially wonky on Halloween (that IS the very scientific medical term, in case you were wondering, and I would know because I’ve worked in the industry). It’s not unusual for my back and neck to BE wonky, but my usual tricks weren’t seeming to improve the…wonkiness. I realized that the symptoms had worsened since – YES – I fell down on Sunday (and NO, I will not discuss how I fell UP the stairs rather than down and the resultant bruises are not up for debate).
I worked throughout the day to improve my range of motion. Finally, at about 5:30 I decided to direct a hot shower onto the area. I should mention that, as I was to be the sole guardian of the trick-or-treat treats and answering the door, I had not only left the porch light off, I was keeping the entire front of the house DARK. When I was young, Halloween had RULES. And these statutes were very clear.
If the porch light was off, you DID NOT ring the doorbell or knock on the door. This was because:
Obviously, some percentage of new-fangled, “modern” children have not been schooled in proper Halloween etiquette. Thus, as I stepped from the guest room shower and put on a towel that somewhat LACKED in the complete coverage department (my Kingdom for one of my BATH SHEETS), I heard the doorbell ringing. And ringing. And ringing some more. Then I heard fearsome knocking.
On the off-chance that it was some of my most FAVOURITE trick-or-treaters, I thought I’d check the peep-hole; if it was them, I could crack the door, tell them to give me thirty seconds to leave and go get a robe and that they could come on in (when I’d disappeared). As I should have suspected, the porch was covered with COMPLETE STRANGERS (I NEVER should go to the door in completely or semi-inappropriate attire – it’s NEVER the people I’m expecting). In the moments I squinted through the peep-hole trying (IN THE DARKNESS, CHILDREN) to discern who it was, I heard them make the following comments:
UUUHHH! Why don’t they answer the door? What are they doing? Whey aren’t they getting the door? What is the deal? What’s their problem?? THEY ARE WASTING OUR TRICK-OUR-TREAT TIME!!!
It was that last comment that emboldened me. HEAVEN FORBID I should waste their valuable trick-or-treat time, even if they were recklessly and WANTONLY flaunting the rules of appropriate Halloween decorum. So I thought I’d, perhaps, SCARE them.
I grabbed the scary papier-maché pumpkin head containing the “treats,” ensconced myself behind the door, opened it and thrust the pumpkin outside (it really is a rather frightening serving implement; you have to stick your hand into the gaping maw of a this hideous faux gourd and pull the treats from it’s dark interior WHERE ITS GUTS SHOULD BE). I mumbled something about how I’d been in the process of “fixing my back”; I’m sure they couldn’t have cared less. One girl did say, “You probably should get dressed before the next people come.” Hmmm – really? DUH!!! I did feel that at this time I should probably allay their fear that I was behind the door COMPLETEY NAKED. “I’m wearing a TOWEL,” I said defensively. One of the other kids responded, “It’s your costume – ha ha.” As they exited the scene in record time considering there were about seventeen of them and they all had to get their candy THEMSELVES, I attempted some droll comment about my “lady just out of the shower” costume. They did not hear this witty remark, as they were already sprinting towards the next abode, which, I hope, had a darkened porch light so that they wasted MORE precious “trick-or-treat” time in a futile attempt to get someone to the door, when, in their ignorance, they were needlessly flouting the sacred laws of Halloween.
I did successfully resist the temptation to lecture them on CORRECT Halloween protocol. Moreover, I also refrained from sqandering even MORE of their valuable “trick-or-treat” time by giving them a lecture on the origins of Halloween and holding them hostage until they’d identified at least ONE other tradition “related” to Halloween that is currently practiced on or near them same day (I would have accepted All Saint’s Day, All Soul’s Day (or even All Hallow’s Eve as an alternate to either of those), Dia De Los Muertos, Samhain, or even Guy Fawkes Night*). I wouldn’t have considered the fact that I had previously seen a “Halloween” special on The History Channel a few days earlier, bolstering my recollection of many facts and adding some festive new tidbits, at ALL inequitable, taking into consideration that these children were infringing on respectful Halloween customs, AND I WAS BASICALLY NAKED.
Tomorrow I will elaborate on my second and intentional 2006 Halloween costume (which was not without malfunctions and FAILURES).
*Perhaps, in honour of the fairly large percentage of my Euro-Mutt heritage originating in the British Isles, I will from now on just skip Halloween and hold out for Guy Fawkes Night. Burning a straw man in effigy sounds like LOADS of fun. And I believe that with the correct precautions that even I could perform this ritual without harm to myself or others. Probably.
Pam
November 4th, 2006 at 10:45 am
Kids today! Those were indeed the rules of Halloween during our trick-or-treating years. Maybe the new rule is that if there’s a light on ANYWHERE in the house, the game’s on. Maybe they saw a light from your bathroom. Or maybe you just have really tenacious children in your neighborhood: “Gimme some CANDY!” Ooooh, or maybe these were the kids who saw you hanging from the roof last year, and they wanted another encounter. They certainly got one. 🙂
Also, if memory serves, for many years you and Grettir dressed up like “Free-floating Anxiety” for Halloween, no?
terry
November 4th, 2006 at 11:28 am
Clearly, my next step (after commenting) is to go back to October 31, 2005 and see why you were hanging off the roof. Although I suspect I will have to check Nov. 1-2-3 just to be sure I find the story, which is surely sordid.
I haven’t taken kids out tricking in a few years, but last time I heard, LIGHTS OUT on a house porch meant DON’T BOTHER.
In the city, willing targets put up decorations or a pumpkin on the porch; this was the green light for candy. Darkened houses were skipped, although I know from PERSONAL experience that many parents (or at least, I) would walk past and think to themselves, “Fucking cheapskates/party poopers/kid haters.”
I spent FORTUNES on candy to hand out for years. Each year it got more expensive. Then I wised up and started making smaller treat bags. Even after the bags got progressively smaller, I was still running out of loot WITHIN AN HOUR. And this, after having spent $100 or more to rot other peoples’ children’s teeth.
After I ran out of candy (and resisted the urge to run to the nearest pharmacy to buy $100 more and keep the fun going) I would put a sign on the door: “Sorry, we’re out of candy.” Usually with a large 🙁 on it. I would turn off the porch light and the living room lights and huddle in my room in the dark. (Not really, but I did extinguish the outdoor light AND blow out the candles inside the pumpkins — because in addition to spending a month’s worth of grocery money, I also bought up to 7 pumpkins and carved them all.)
Still, the children were either too young to read, or old enough to read but stupid and/or blind, or their parents would stand at the sidewalk and smoke a cigarette and yap with each other, oblivious to the fact that there was a large sign on the door in large lettering saying BEGGAR OFF. And the doorbell would ring, and ring…
Now, in the creepy, silent, dark countryside, we don’t get kids at the door. Which is fine by me. Apparently the other nearest town (20 minutes away) closed off all their main thoroughfares (which means ONE street) and turned the village into a Halloween central. Which must have been fun for the little ones.
My son is now at the age where he would still like to trick or treat but knows he’s too damned tall to get away with it. He would also have liked to find a party where he could get really drunk.
They go from wee, adorable bunnies and bears and angels into teens yearning for some crunk juice…
lattegirl
November 4th, 2006 at 11:33 am
I think your Ennui and Antarctica costumes were brilliant!
Kate
November 4th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Pam:
But they cannot SEE the bathroom light from outside (it’s that one in the hall upstairs). Though, true enough, they are tenacious.
Today the neighbor kids – younger than the mob I chose to terrify with semi-nudity – said in very indignant tones that I’d not opened the door. I endeavored to explain WHY (and, WHY, I ask, do I try to explain?) but since my Dad (or should I say “Bartholomew”) gave them some of our left-over candy TODAY, they were easily pacified.
Interestingly enough, we really don’t get that many trick-or-treaters these days (and from now on I expect we’ll get less because they will fear the possibility of being exposed to my glow-in-the-dark body).
Free-floating anxiety – that was good. However, I’m afraid that I could not do that anymore. I do not believe that you can “dress up” as something you embody holistically.
Terry:
See? Even CANADIAN children know the rules.
But you – YOU were obviously the all-beneficent GODDESS of Halloween. You made TREAT BAGS? Kids around here are lucky if we don’t put an eye out as we hurl “fun-sized” candy bars toward their treat receptacles.
Just curious, when you posted your “no more candy” signs were they LEGAL renditions whereupon you used French and English and the French was TWICE as big as the English, and the emoticon by the French sneered just a little? Like I said, you’ve got to watch out for those Language Mounties.
Oh – that reminds me of a question – do SQ officers carry guns? Just wondered. I already know that all RMP’s talk just like Duddley Do-Right.
AND for your clarification/edification (?) as far as my hanging from the roof:
Oh, the HUMANITY
Sorry – it was March 1, 2006.
terry
November 4th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
Yes, the sign was bilingual. I believe the French motie had a little handlebar mustache.
Yes, SQ officers carry guns. It makes them even sexier.
And your near-naked Halloween shenanigans are now common knowledge in Canada, thanks to moi.
lattegirl
November 6th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
Tomorrow, she said. And then a few tomorrows passed, and still we were not made privy to the second Hallowe’en costume…