Why didn’t anyone tell me that Jessica Biel I have been dating Justin Timberlake since May at least? Some sources say as long as a YEAR! Boy, have I been busy. I have accepted that my being Jessica Biel means the existence of an alternate parallel Universe that clearly I don’t get to consciously experience. And I need to watch the E! a little more, I guess, as that’s how I found out about my “love life” in the wee hours of the morning. What’s with THE EMPHATIC EXCLAMATION POINT ASSOCIATED WITH ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION®? I even TYPED it with extra (and unnecessary force); I felt compelled.
We’re HOT. Smokin’.

Ironically, I heard Justin – my Sweetie Pie? (Cookie Face? Honey Buns???) – allude to our relationship on Oprah, which I don’t watch very often, but happened to catch just LAST WEEK. He didn’t mention her me by name, though he said, “But all I can tell you is she smells lovely.” AND he sang a a lovely duet with Reba McEntire that HE wrote. Sorry – that all makes me a little verklempt – please talk amongst yourselves. Choose your own damn topic. And look at all the pictures of Justin and Jessica me; we’re eye candy.


Phew. Okay. Now will someone PLEASE tell me how I get into that alternate reality? Even if it’s just for a little while? I could use a trip to Europe and being one of the “young and beautiful” and some MONEY and all that jazz. I know that the paparazzi gets old, and Hollywood relationships don’t tend to last very long, and the shallowness, blah, blah, BLAH, so I’ll just settle for a TASTE of young, fashionable celebrity dating – fifteen minutes of fame – just a piffling soupçon. That’s ALL I ASK.

I wonder if I would have motion sickness (and asthma, et al.) in my parallel alternate Universe? It would be a little inconvenient for the jet-setting and such.