I have done it. I am OFFICIALLY old. It has little to do with chronological age; I have done the three defining things that make your SOUL old. They are as follows:

  1. I LAUGHED at The Family Circus: My Mother was reading the “Funny Papers” (that’s what we old people call them – we watch our “stories” and we read “The Funny Papers”) the other day. Somehow she and I got into a discussion in which we marveled that The Family Circus still ran in “The Funny Papers.” She surmised that old folks liked it (and remembered that my Father thinks it’s a funny comic strip – HE’S always talking about “the good ol’ days”). I said something about every single comic consisting of that flat-headed kid with severe A.D.H.D. being told to go somewhere and we are treated to a picture in in which we can follow the arrow to all the OTHER seven hundred places he goes before he gets to the destination in his original instructions. Ha ha. My Mom said that only covered fifty percent of the comic strips (and I’m going to guess only the Sunday ones have the room for all those arrows and HILARITY). Then she described that day’s Family Circus scenario. It had something to do with that flat-headed kid being lost in a department store and the harried-looking “lost child” attendant making an P.A. announcement that “we have a little lost boy who says he is eleventy-seven and his name is ‘Spongebob.'” I hesitated for a moment, and then I said, “That’s actually kinda funny.” My Mom AGREED (she can be forgiven, as she is over fifty). I SAVED “The Funny Papers” so that I could include a scan of the comic strip and perhaps, just PERHAPS, someone might agree with me that in this case, The Family Circle was uncharacteristically amusing (okay, I even PULLED IT OUT OF THE RECYCLING BIN). Someone threw it way, though (and I have too much dignity to search – even if it IS the recycling and not the garbage – once again).
  3. I watched Matlock ON PURPOSE: I was working on a project yesterday and flipping through the channels and I CHOSE with all my facilities of will and volition intact, to watch Matlock. And, so help me, last week I CHOSE to watch Murder, She Wrote. TWICE.
  5. I was a bit chilly and I elected to wear a SHAWL: Nope, I did not grab one of my “hoodies” or “snugglies,” I chose a freakin’ SHAWL. Please let it count for a little bit that it is made of Pashmina (I say “is” because, so help me, I’m still wearing it). And does that fact that it is periwinkle count for or against me?