5Mar2006
Filed under: Just so You Know...
Author: Kate Bartholomew
And I am such a COLOSSAL wiener that I cannot even think of a more clever title.
I usually try to see as many Oscar® nominated films as possible. Firstly, I am most fond of movies, in general, and secondly, it’s such a festive challenge (even if you are by your lonesome and not officially in a “contest”) to see if you can predict who and what will win. Last year I managed to get most of the “big” films in – even though it was just under the wire. I did a film marathon the day BEFORE the Oscar® broadcast and I believe I even managed to fit one in the day OF the broadcast.
Not this year. In fact, I’m mortified and embarrassed. I am looking at the Printable Oscar®.com Ballot, and let’s just say good intentions pave the road to HELL and ARTISTIC IGNORANCE. I MEANT to see so many of these films and, for whatever reason, I DID NOT. I considered jamming in the single most complicated film marathon EVER over the last couple of days, and I did not see a SINGLE FILM. I take that back; so help me, I watched Yentl AND Armageddon on television. SHUT UP! I love Yentl! Mandy Patinkin looks through my SOUL with those exquisite brown eyes.
But what of THE 78TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS®? Let me inventory the films I’ve seen. I’ll divide them into two groups; Group I includes well-respected films that may even be nominated in more than one category (and COULD win) and Group II includes movies that are in the somewhat more “humble” categories (wherein one goes for snacks or takes a restroom break during the presentation thereof):
- GROUP I:
- Pride & Prejudice: This film received four nominations. And I give it ALL LAUDS AND HONOURS AND BOW DOWN TO IT WITH ALL FITTING APROBATION AND VENERATION. Amen.
- March of the Penguins: It’s a DOCUMENTARY, so it won’t get much Hollywood-type recognition, but I liked it very much. The penguins were so, SO CUTE (please ignore the fact that I gush like a fifteen-year-old girl) and it was so poignant when their egg died or whatnot.
Yup, that’s it. We’re on to the second unit:
- GROUP II:
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Don’t get me wrong, I quite liked this movie. But let’s face it; it’s part four of a SERIES and it’s only nominated for Art Direction.
- Batman Begins: I admit, I liked this one, too (Christian Bale, being such a pretty, PRETTY man gave the film SOME bonus points just because he showed up in it). However, it wasn’t THAT great, and it’s only nominated for Cinematography. Fodder for bathroom breaks.
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: What can I say? It WAS rather a mess (what with all the chocolate…), but Johnny Depp is fascinating no matter what. Oh yes – and a pretty, PRETTY man. Besides, my family watched the DVD special features and I had the unparalleled pleasure of watching my Father, Shirleen, Sarah and William do Oompa Loompa dances – hysterical, if not vaguely surreal. Anyway, I suppose if you make a giant blueberry outfit you deserve a nomination for Costume Design.
- Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith: “Hello, my name is Kathryn and I saw Revenge of the Sith.” “Hello, Kathryn. GET OUT – YOU SUCK!” Something like that, anyway. Don’t EVEN get me started on this film. Just the inequities in health-care between the Dark Side and The Force make me SEETHE. Annakin gets turned into, shall we say – a smoldering, carbonized LUMP, and they can still REBUILD HIM FROM SCRATCH. Okay, so he has to talk more slowly because of the special respirator, but it just makes him sound more authoritative. And the special “suit” just looks evil and threatening – he’d no doubt custom order such an ensemble from his tailor (and then strangle him WITH THE MERE POWER OF HIS MIND if it was too tight in the crotch). Padmé, on the other hand, dies in childbirth. They can reconstruct Annakin/Darth Vader from a charred blob of NOTHING, yet she DIES IN CHILDBIRTH. DROIDS (no doubt straight off the moisture farm) are her caretakers, and all they do is discreetly cover her with a large, metal, gynecological horn o’ plenty and just let the babies pop out willy-nilly. WHAT IN THE HELL? And yeah, yeah, there are those who would claim she died of a “broken heart.” PLEASE. Apparently The Force isn’t any help for a “broken heart.” Like she found no reason to live FOR HER CHILDREN as opposed to pining away for her HUSBAND, who was EVIL INCARNATE (and unforgivably whiny even when he was “good”). Darth Vader, who was, you might say “heartbroken” when Padmé died, was effortlessly patched up by The Dark Side.
That’s it. I have failed you terribly, Jon Stewart, my BELOVED (if you weren’t married with two children, that is). Maybe next year…
WARNING: Do not think that my complete ignorance of the bulk of this years Academy Awards film canon will stop me from commenting on it like I know what I’m saying. It’s not as though being uninformed has ever stopped me from discussing pretty much ANY subject, ad nauseam.
Happy Oscar® Day!
Jodi
March 6th, 2006 at 6:11 am
The only one of the movies I saw was Crash, and I saw it once on “the big screen” and once on my rather small (21″, I think … I’m so retro!) TV. Because it was the only one I saw, I was THRILLED when it beat Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture. I have a feeling Brokeback Mountain wasn’t as amazing as they’re making it out to be — and that, in the end (so to speak), it’s only really worth it to see the parts that everyone really goes to see it for, anyway. IF you know what I mean. And I know you do.
I only watched for Jon Stewart, if you must know the truth (and you MUST).
MC #2
March 6th, 2006 at 7:46 am
I agree…
Kate
March 6th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
I watched PARTICULARLY because of Jon Stewart, and then I missed the first half hour of the broadcast (during which I’m sure he was the perfect witty DEMIGOD, and during which he probably did his very best material AND during which he, no doubt, shot psychic love darts at me with his beautiful eyes).
Kate
March 6th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Dearest Jodi,
I just read your wonderfully concise Oscar® assessment. I saw the gum, too; I HATE THAT. And Heath was not the only one chewing cud, though I cannot recall at the moment the other guilty parties.
And Charlize Theron, who is often lovely and sophisticated at these things, looked like she was in imminent danger of having her head devoured by the GIANT BOW OF MENACE AND PERIL, which, for some inexplicable reason she had perched on her left shoulder. She TRIED to look like she wasn’t afraid, but if you watched very closely, she was casting furtive glances towards the BOW MONSTER, probably wondering if she’d have to just suddenly disrobe to escape its malevolent scheme.
Salma Hayek – hmmm, didn’t notice the accent thing, really, but they did have her announce a category with oodles of Latino names in it (smart choice?). All I have to REALLY say about Salma Hayek is that she is inordinately short – she’s tiny, teeny-weeny. I know this for a FACT because I saw her getting into an elevator at the Los Angeles airport. She’s so miniscule, in fact, that they have to do camera tricks to make her look a somewhat normal height for special occasions.
me
March 7th, 2006 at 8:57 pm
I have to say this: I saw most of the nominated films (being the film-buff that I am), and Brokeback was far-and-away the better film. Crash was good and all, but Ang Lee (who also directed Crouching Tiger, and Sense and Sensibility, but who, I’m convinced, was snorting benedryl throughout the production of Hulk) actually puts an artistic stamp on his films which is almost non-existent in Hollywood. Who cares about the gay sex? He made a GORGEOUS film about forbidden love in an unforgiving society- one of the oldest stories ever- and it felt fresh and poignant.
Forget the hype. Forget the fact that “brokeback” is the new catchword for fag. Forget that Leno can’t go 15 seconds without making a brokeback comment. SEE THIS FILM! If you like beautiful movies and you miss this one, you’re just an idiot. That is all.
Kate
March 7th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
LENO? YOU WATCH LENO NOW???????? How CAN you? THE HORROR! (And his monologues BITE!!!)
Yeah – not the point. Besides, NONE of the comedians or talk show hosts go more than precisely three and a half minutes without making a Brokeback joke; it’s just too easy. Even ANG LEE made a Brokeback joke when he accepted the Oscar (the “can’t quit you” line).
I have heard that it’s an incredibly beautiful film (and, indeed, forget the hype – it’s OLD). But I’ve also heard great things about Crash. Apples and oranges? I guess I’ll find out when I see them.
me
March 12th, 2006 at 3:05 am
I feel my reputation is on the line here and that I must clear the air. (Which is funny, considering how much I’ve done through the years to sully my rep anyway- but this is no trivial matter!)
I don’t watch Leno.
The fact is that his overuse of “brokeback” as an adjective has become the subject of popular culture buzz (talk “around the water cooler” if you will). This, to me, is yet another reason NOT to watch his show. And you’re right- his monologues are atrocious!