Hold the phone, stop the presses – use any applicable metaphor that reflects suitable shock and awe at the prospect of this scenario: I AM JESSICA BIEL! I (along with the rest of the World’s sizable population) might deem this statement as laughable, absurd and utterly ludicrous. But, it was Grettir, the GURU who made the startling revelation. Consider the following excerpt:

For those of you who are new here, “Kate” is a really Jessica Biel, who can’t quite accept the fact that it’s over between us!

Move on, “Kate.”

All of this is confusing in many regards, I admit. First, I don’t know why Grettir prefaced this revelation with the phrase, “For those of you who are new here…” as everyone who has bothered to read TinyPineapple.com at all well knows, I have plagued almost every entry ever written on the site with my voluble and somewhat nonsensical comments, and this is the FIRST mention of “Kate” as “Jessica Biel.” It occurred to me that perhaps, JUST PERHAPS, this declaration of my “true” identity could be an ever-so-overly-deferential way of saying, “SHUT UP ALREADY, KATE.”

Jessica Biel ME

Then there’s the seeming incongruity of Grettir’s claim that he hasn’t been on a date in five thousand or so years and the assertion that “…it’s over between us.” This would imply that there WAS something between Grettir and I Jessica Biel. Considering that she is I am TWENTY-FIVE-YEARS OLD, in the interest of any VAGUE sense of propriety this would have to be a recent affaire de coeur. This discordance is especially upsetting in that I have Jessica Biel (?) has always considered Grettir to be a gentleman and a scholar who therefore should consider veracity preeminent.

Foremost, the – oh – minor detail that I have no memory whatsoever of my life as Jessica Biel myself is discomfiting, to say the least. And the fact that I have been witnessed on more than one occasion confusing Jessica Biel myself with Jennifer Beals of Flashdance fame is, to say the least, odd.

I, Jessica?, most certainly need to ponder this further.