Le Monde de Fromage de Kate

I had to do it. I wandered onto the site, ZayZayEm, purported to be “Better than a Knife in the Eye.” My favorite thing, other than the fact that “ZayZayEm” is from Yeppoon, Queensland, Australia (Yeppoon! Yeppoon! YEPPOON!!! Perhaps my new favorite arbitrary word to shout at random times?), is that he actually used the phrase “fair dinkum.” And I quote:

Builders came today. Actual fair dinkum builders, who take measurements before they start taking things apart and putting things together…

There’s something satisfying about seeing the truth in something you thought was merely stereotypical. ZayZayEm took a vacation recently (a little disappointed – didn’t say a damn thing about “walk about”) upon which he took a photograph of a “ditched car.” He also notes:

And, no, there were no dead bodies or bones or a black bag with swads of cash inside… (somebody did ask me this already). Just spiders.

I also saw a massive red-bellied black on the drive back. It was huge. I swear it looked almost as round as my arms (which admittedly is not really that big) and at least 1 meter or meter+half in length. Mum thinks we have some in our backyard; oh, goody.

OY! We must “Watch out – They’re Daaaaangerous!”

Where was I? Ah, yes. On his site ZayZayEm links to The Reincarnation Test from “The Student Center: Where Students Come Together.” Despite the notable inventiveness (GAH!) of their site title, it has got to be the UGLIEST website I’ve seen in a long time. Not to mention that its target demographic evidently includes only those who bare their midriffs on a regular basis (and, perhaps, fight with their parents over this life-shattering issue). I thoughtfully regarded the test index, considered taking the “Man-Whore Test,” but decided to stick with reincarnation; I didn’t want to skew their very scientific test results by my spurious antics. They were generous enough to include a test-taker’s category of “24 and above,” though the “age” drop-down menu started, I think, at thirteen, so as to imply that one couldn’t possibly CONCEIVE of someone who had surpassed the mind-boggling age of twenty-four-years-old.

With bated breath I waded through the forty introspective questions in order to determine the course of my next life. And:

You will be reincarnated as a Badger,
deadliest of the large rodents.

Hmmmm. I’m not certain what this means. Maybe I’ll ask ZayZayEm; he is destined to be a badger, too. I also received a 43.94% on the test. Is that good? So many unanswered questions about my destiny…

I already knew that the world’s largest rodent, the Capybara (from South America), is not the deadliest rodent (at least that’s what I learned as a youngster when I read Bill Peet’s true story about a Capybara). But WAIT – I didn’t thing badgers were rodents at all. Ah – indeed – badgers are NOT rodents. They, in fact, EAT rodents. They are actually from the Family Mustelidae (which also includes weasels, ferrets, minks, skunks and otters), and their Genera include Taxidea and Meles. (Gotta see if I remember – “Kings Play Chess On Fine Grain Sand”: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species. See, Pam, I did go to A.P. Biology!) So I omitted this portion of the badger’s classification: Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Chordata, Class Mammalia, Order Carnivora. After that, of course, comes the aforementioned Family, and then the Genus and Species, naturally, are taxidea taxus. Well, that’s the North American Badger. I don’t know what the Latin is for the European variety. Let’s just say, “Meles Badgereas Eurotrashimus.”

Also, I haven’t found anything to indicate the badger is “deadly,” per se. They are carnivores, so if you are a wee little mouse, a hoppy frog or a tiny wiggly worm you might think otherwise.

But, in truth, Badgers are neither rodents nor deadly. Lies, lies, LIES. DAMNED IGNORANT TEENAGERS THESE DAYS!

I should have taken the “Man-Whore” test.

Henceforth, I shall bud asexually.

My Mother receives a lot of catalogs. Okay, that is a significant understatement – my Mother receives almost every conceivable catalog in the Universe. On any average day – during a non-holiday season, mind you – she receives an average of five to ten catalogs. This certainly enables her to find unusual gift items. But just reading the catalogs can provide hours of entertainment.

In a recent bunch, I found a real corker. Before I show you, let me tell you that this is a catalog that had no less than SIX items based on the hysterical and timeless wit of “faux flatulence.” Included in the, shall we say, “fart fun” items were a CD, a key chain (a “pull my finger” hand), a doll, a card game (?) and a toilet paper cover. The toilet paper cover – OHHHHHH – what a treasure! This item not only emitted a big ol’ fart noise – spelled “Rrrrrrp,” in case you wondered – it had the added the utterly sophisticated humor of being shaped like buttocks. But, here is the gaseous item for which I developed a particular fondness:

Farting Salt & Pepper Shakers

The description was awfully clever:

Farting salt & pepper shakers will ruin any dinner!

Don’t let the sleek, modern design fool you: these salt & pepper shakers are as crass-and as funny-as can be. Hear an outrageous fart with every shake! Great for party or picnic.

Thank the heavens, I’ve been looking for the perfect item to “ruin any dinner.” And – how thoughtful – it needn’t be my cooking.

But I must show you the pièce de résistance. I have a feeling that Grettir might consider this item a Sign of the Apocalypse, but the person who predicted that the end of the World was today seem to have been mistaken, so it’s difficult to say.

WARNING! (Almost) Complete Non-sequitur and Incredibly Embarrassing Confession: My family is related on my Mother’s side to that half-baked doomsayer (Mr. Jeffs) who has been such a media darling recently. Boy, aren’t WE proud!

But I must show you the item du jour! Let me preface its appearance by saying that I think we should define it as ART, rather than just some run-of-the-mill gag gift or kitchen utensil; it is useful AND aesthetically pleasing. Without further ado:

Egg Separator

Gross-out egg separator adds fun to your kitchen!

It ‘snot a mug (sorry we couldn’t resist!) Crack an egg into the ceramic head, then tilt to pour just the whites out through the nose. Disgusting! (Yet efficient!).

I assert that the separator is absolutely perfect in conjunction with the Farting Salt & Pepper Shakers. After all, if you plan to “ruin” any meal, it seems apropos to create the feast with a snot-emulating implement.

I ran across this quote today, which I apparently used as an email sign-off at some point:

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are… erm… thingy.

Oh, the wisdom of…erm…thingy.

Anyone win the lottery recently? I just thought I would offer my services (it’s certainly within my skill set) as someone who can help you get rid of all that pesky extra money. It wouldn’t be any trouble at all.

These are the kinds of things I do for my friends.

NOTE: People at the bank, when they ask if they can “do anything else for you” are not usually amused by my lottery humor. Maybe they just don’t understand its cleverness.

Five or so years ago, I had an extraordinary visit from the Easter Bunny. I’d been singing for Easter Service at First Church (that’s what the “cool” people call it – you can also call it the First Unitarian Church), and when I arrived home, the Easter Bunny had hidden canned goods all over the house. Yes, canned goods – peaches, soup, beans – that kind of thing. It is my understanding, from some personal experience (when I was a child the Easter Bunny always left candy all over a room in the house), from what other people tell me (they go on egg hunts and such) and from what I read (can’t seem to find a precedent for canned goods as an Easter tradition), this was an unusual gift.

Yes, I am odd (as though I have to actually point that out), but I really liked it. Besides, if you eat too many Cadbury Eggs all at once it makes you sick (I have friends who agree that making someone eat a huge number of Cadbury Eggs would be a good form of torture).

I believe it’s about damn time for a new “Fact of the Day.” I’m still getting a “new” text message each day. I say “new,” but I’ve actually received a surprising number of duplicates. You’d think they’d be able to find SOME sort of meaningless drivel on a daily basis without repeating themselves (and meaningless drivel it typically is), but apparently the “Fact of the Day” think-tank could use a little help. Interestingly, I’ve seen the “elementary rule of mushroom collecting” fact at LEAST three times since I’ve been a FOTD subscriber. Do people really need to be reminded of this – oh, shall we say a simple issue of common sense – so often? PEOPLE, use caution with your fungi, for crying out loud!

Here is a new NEW fact:

The world is not round. It is an oblate spheroid,
flattened at the poles, and bulging at the equator.

Maybe they weren’t that off in the olden days, after all. No, the world is not FLAT, but it is FLATTENED at the poles – Close enough.

Whether flat or round (but DEFINITELY bulging at the equator – aren’t we ALL – well, actually I am much more of a pear, so perhaps in planetary terms that makes me a gourd-like spheroid? I don’t know a cool and scientific way to say “far more bulbous on the lower half.”). I just like saying “oblate spheroid.” Try it. “Oblate spheroid.” “Oblate spheroid?” “OBLATE SPHEROID!” It sounds nearly vulgar and threatening, with the flavor (a soupcon, shall we say) of some medical condition.

“He has an acute oblate spheroid with the expected pulmonary complications. I’m so sorry.”

See? OBLATE SPHEROID!!!

soupcon.

I realize that my judgment is a tad on the wonky side at the moment, but I found it utterly HILARIOUS to see this book for sale at a local bookstore:

The Complete Idiot’s Guide® to Surviving Divorce (2nd Edition)

Oh good – it’s available digitally as well as in print.

Yes, I realize that there are “Complete Idiot Guides®” and “For Dummies” books on myriad subjects, but this really took the cake (the wedding cake, shall we say). And speaking of “For Dummies”:

Divorce for Dummies

It’s nice to know that, at a difficult time in your life, when you may feel particularly sensitive, emotional, and inadequate, these publishers and authors recognize that it is absolutely imperative to be able to make the personal distinction between being a “complete idiot” and a “dummy.” Everyone has their own inclination, after all. However, if you have no preference for one label over the other, you’ll be delighted to find that Amazon.com offers what they call the “Better Together” rate; if you buy BOTH books you get a reduced price (not to mention the beautifully entertaining irony of two books about divorce under the heading of “Better Together”).

I think the reviews on the book covers are very insightful. For instance, if you are a complete idiot:

A superb, practical, realistic yet compassionate manual to guide men and women through the minefield of the divorce process.

-George S. Stern, President, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers

To be sure – I find it encouraging to know that the terms “superb,” “compassionate” and “complete idiot” can be entwined on the very same page. Better yet – if you are a dummy, you get sage insight from the front AND the back cover of your book, respectively:

Like a wise friend…Divorce for Dummies dispenses useful, timely advice to people at all stages of divorce.

-Diana Shepherd, Divorce Magazine

Reed and Ventura walk us through the toughest decisions many of us will ever make – with sensitivity and expert advice.

-Ellen G. Sanchez, M.Ed., Family Life Educator

Divorce Magazine? So there really is a magazine for every subject and demographic. I’d wondered… Also, it’s nice to know that one’s “wise friend” can “dispense useful, timely advice” while still calling one a dummy.

Incidentally, if you want just one definitive text, you don’t think you are a complete idiot, or you just strive to be really, really up-to-date, you might consider pre-ordering the “savvy guide to a split-up and starting a new life”:

Divorce for Dummies (2nd Edition)

It will be available on June 27, 2005. The publishers assert, “The essential self-help divorce guide, now revised with over 25 percent updated content.” No doubt with “more fiber,” too. They also call it a “thorough, compassionate guide.” It’s a relief that they didn’t lose the “compassionate”/”dummy” juxtaposition.

I think I would hold out for the “Utter Failure” guides to arrive. Those would be exceedingly to the point.

But WAIT!!! Amazon.com is offering an additional $5.00 manufacturer’s rebate in from March 1 to March 31, 2005 in honor of their “celebration of Dummies Month.” In my defense, I did not know. Nevertheless, I have been deplorably remiss in my holiday greetings.
In that case, Happy Dummies’ Month, Everyone!!!

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, Laddies and Lassies!

Today we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day and the wearin’ o’ the green, kissing the Blarney Stone, shamrocks, and, in many parts of the world, the drinkin’ o’ the green beer.

We honour St. Patrick, Patron Saint of Ireland, believed to have died on March 17, 460 A.D. Many legends surround the man, including the ubiquitous “snake” story. In the narrative, St. Patrick stood on a hilltop in Ireland (now called Croagh Patrick) and, with only a wooden staff at his side, banished all the snakes from Ireland. Many people now believe this to be an apocryphal tale, as, apparently, no snakes were indigenous to the island. These people like to think of the snake banishment as a metaphor for St. Patrick’s converting of the Pagans to Christianity.

But let’s examine this further: If St. Patrick banished ALL the snakes from Ireland in the 3rd century A.D., then OF COURSE there are no snakes native to Ireland. It’s not like there were great biologists at that point who did herpetology studies (especially censuses of the suborder serpentes) beforehand and afterwards to verify the whole “no snakes indigenous to Ireland” hypothesis.

But here is the sad chronicle of what happens when the natural balance of things is destroyed. Eventually, since all the snakes were driven from Ireland, the isle was overrun, quite naturally, with rodents (since the chief predator of these animals had been eradicated).

Then, The Pied Piper arrived. He claimed to be an expert in pest control. People especially wanted to get rid of the rats (they didn’t realize about the rat-flea-plague connection, but they thought that rat tails looked like snakes so they detested them the most of all the rodents). The people of Ireland offered to pay him a great deal of money if he’d rid the island of the odious rats, thinking that he was probably just a crazy phony (distrust of musicians was born early in the history of civilization) and they’d never have to come through with the loot. The Pied Piper, armed only with his little Pied Pipe (?) charmed all the rats with his beautiful pastry music so that they ran into the sea and were drowned. Unfortunately, though the Irish were awfully glad that the rats were gone, they didn’t “pay the piper” (so to speak) because they thought, “Hell – what’s he gonna do to us with only that little whistle?” Consequenly, the Pied Piper, with his beautiful pastry music, put all the little children of the island under a spell, and he stole away with all of them.

This is, perhaps, when the Irish get their reputation for drinking quite a lot. I think after all the snakes and the rodents and the pie music and the disappearing children ANYONE might want a good, stiff drink.

Happy Day after the Ides of March! And unless you are some ill-fortuned reincarnation of Julius Caesar who chooses to ignore the soothsayer who has said the sooth, I’m sure it was a lovely day. Here is an interesting website, VERY informative, that reminds us:

But what are the Ides of March? Is there any such thing as a single Ide? Are Ides anything like Druthers? The Ides of March are what Romans called March 15. There’s no such thing as a single Ide. Ides are nothing at all like Druthers. Druthers are smaller, hairier, and have fewer moving parts.